when i am done with this post, i'll pick up my bags from Hotel Thamel and get into a cab to Kopan Monastery. i'll be entering the this Tibetan spiritual headquarters for the annual one month Lam Rim course, which covers the central text outlining the path to enlightenment in the Mahayana tradition. it is going to be a challenging month. the day starts at dawn and ends after dark. we meditate and receive teachings all day, and keep partial silence. there isn't a day off in the month, and we are not supposed to read or listen to anything that is not related to the practice.
i have been waiting for today for exactly one year. i know i will be confronted with many things in the coming weeks. frustration. boredom. sadness. fear. an overwhelming desire to give up.
what i look forward to, is finding out what happens if i just sit through all those feelings. what is on the other side of them? can they be subdued? what are the rewards? what does that mean for my life? when i watch my mind in action and don't respond, what do i see? is this the mind i want? can i do anything about it? is it worth trying? what else is there inside me? what is there inside all of us? why do we suffer? why is happiness so fragile?
there's more. but then, there's always more.
i feel very good. the last days have been wonderful, and i feel i have arrived at today with the wind at my back. i am ready for silence. i am ready for learning. i have no expectations for outcome. i am just grateful, to myself and the universe, for giving me this opportunity.
i'll be offline for at least a month now, but am planning to keep a journal. i haven't kept a journal before, so i don't know if it will come naturally. but if it does, i'll post some excerpts later.
there will be plenty of dedications of practice in there, and those of you closest to my heart will have some very specific prayers sent your way.
simultaneously, deeply, and as a whole, my practice will always be dedicated to the benefit of all living beings. that they be happy, and free from suffering.
my idealism finally has a home. happy day.
time to go. peace out, peeps. i'll see you on the other side.
2 comments:
Glad to have found a way to keep up with your travels. Thanks for sharing.
This month, you are currently in the middle of sounds both amazing and terrifying. It sounds like the thing I would most dread, but probably most benefit from.
I'm thinking of you at this moment - in your silence, your peace, hopefully in your wisdom. I'll look forward to hearing from you on the other side.
ilan..
sending you love from a different part of the world. from southern africa to the nepalese mountains. is it your active practice that is entering my dreams?
i hope you are managing and feeling stronger by the day. i found a long weekend on the boat tiresome, confrontational yet honest and strengthening - what you are doing is of a different order.
i will keep a journal of my dreams, where you repeatedly enter, from now on. x
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