December 31, 2007

it's been a long time, i know. creatively, the invisible line has been crossed, between what can still be captured in words, and what has seeped, disolved or run for cover to my more silent library of personal experiences. only the right combination of wine or company or stirring energies reopens those chapters, each still continuing in their own way, which is also my way, because i created them.

but even then, after some time, the words i give to the thing become a layer between the story and the experience itself. perhaps one of my weaknesses as a writer is that i need things to be fresh, alive, literally pulsing through me at the moment of composition, in order to find the words to bring my world inside, into the world outside.

so some stories will remain with me, for now.

but i did want to check in, because it is the last day of 2007. and it has been no small year for me.

despite the turbulence and unresolved emotions of the recent past, i cannot remember ever feeling as content as i do now. it's not that i have shed my skin, but rather that i have found a way to wear it that suits me quite well.

i am, maybe for the first time, all of me. not just one part that is happy, or another part that is sad. but all of me, in entirety, at the same time.

and here's the revolution: i like me. i like me just fine.

and actually, i like everyone.

and when people ask me, “how are you?”, i have begun to respond with a new combination of words for me:

“i feel perfect.”

it cracks me up when i think about it. i do feel perfect.

i have enough love in me for everything that comes my way, and this love, increasingly, is making my road very smooth.

and as I enter 2008, i could ask for nothing more.

taken on December 31, 2007

Trail Through Nepal

Kathmandu

Kathmandu Valley

Baktapur

Nagarkot

Bhote Kosi River Camp (16km from Tibet border)

Pokhara

Sarangkot

Kopan Monastery

beyond words

i regret never posting after Kopan. i am writing this now 10 months later, but will slip it into this place on the blog, the place where the most transformative experience of my life should have been given expression.

i did write a few emails in the weeks after I left the monastery. so that all is not silence, i will paste a few quotes here.

and i will just say this... everything i wrote then is still true. and the transformations I underwent as a result of what I learned at Kopan, remain the most positive turning point of my adult life.

~

"I can say that Kopan is the best thing I have ever done in my life. finally to feel something real, something really real. friend... it's beyond words. I stayed there for five weeks, and then it was time. A few days ago I left my new spiritual home, and headed out into the world to be tested, and also to test what I have learned..."

~

"I have been trying to observe my mind as I normalize after the safety and seclusion of the monastery. it's quite remarkable the mental hecticness i let myself live with, and how much energy my mind burns on things it cannot control, or change. how much energy is put into desire or fear, and not even with a constructive outcome. my brain spends so little of its time on truly constructive things, and almost no time getting in touch with its spiritual foundations. so, i would like to gently help these things to change..."

~

"kopan was a revelation and a journey, and in terms of just plain natural beauty, beyond words. i was grateful for every day i woke up there, and felt so deeply nourished by the experience as a whole. even though, there were some difficult moments, and confronting ones too..."

~

"i have decided to continue traveling for now, to continue studying eastern philosophy... i know in some ways things are still just beginning. i open up more every day, and experience many beautiful and healing moments..."

~

"i have come back into myself, and am regaining that strong core. the person whose life i can benefit most right now is my own, and it's time for me to really do that..."